Tuesday, September 29, 2009

'Manning to Garcon' : What I learned from the NFL week 3

  • The sky is falling in Tennessee. How is it Coach Fisher always finds shelter? I like 'Fish' a lot. Class act, great football mind. Maybe we couldn't do better... I don't know. I do know that even the most outspoken reporters in this town dare not blaspheme the 'Stache', for fear of going to hell. When I shit my pants, I change my underwear. Change isn't always bad.
  • Brady Quinn learned that looks can indeed only get so far. Time to do what you were made to do BQ, join the cast of the new Melrose Place on the CW.
  • The way Jemarcus Russell reads defenses makes my fairly damn certain I'd kick his ass in Madden.
  • Ole' Gunslinger Brett Farve just shot everyone the bird. I get it, Brett. You still got enough in the tank to make 1 amazing play out of 200. It really was damn impressive.
  • Marc Sanchez - I'm not gay, but I might would fuck you. Just sayin...
  • Tom Brady - you're fucking out, Marc Sanchez is fucking in. Just kidding, Tom. I love to see you fired up. I also love when I can lip read your F-bombs.
  • The Bengals gave the Steelers a shit sandwich with extra mayo.
  • My Super Bowl pick is Baltimore.
  • I'm gonna miss the shit out of Chad Pennington.
  • Just when I thought 'Manning to Harrison' was the most annoying thing ever, along came 'Manning to Pierre Garcon'.
  • Larry Fitzgerald's brother thought tweets were invisible.
  • Congrats to the St. Louis Rams for entering the UFL by default.
  • Washington Redskins, meet the team at HBO, we'll be setting up our cameras next July. Also, you really could have just created a bionic man with the money you paid Haynesworth, and you wouldn't have carry it off the field on a cart.
  • I love the color green. Seattle made sweet monkey love to the color green.
  • Jay Cutler solved the he problem from Good Will Hunting and left on the visiting team's locker room chalkboard, just because he could. He also lit them up like a cheap cigar.
  • The Kansas City Chiefs just ranked in the BCS poll.
  • Terrell Owens just goes with the plays that are called.
  • Tony Romo has watched too many Brett Farve tapes.
  • In the words of Chris Berman 'Daylight comes and you've got to Delhomme'. Translation: stop getting your haircut while wearing your helmet, and get the fuck outta Charlotte. Preferably during the early AM hours. Not much traffic at 3am.
  • Schwartz fever has hit Detroit. Catch it. Best thing to hit Detroit since Robocop.
  • Saints rock.
  • Tampa Bay, the CFL called and they want Byron Leftwich back.
  • The Texans need medication.
  • The Bronco's are 3-0. (head spins around on neck)
  • Phillip Rivers is a penis.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz! What I Learned from the NFL Week 2.

  • Playoffs?! Playoffs?!. The Titans are the best 0-2 team in football and they're officially in trouble. The loss of Jim Schwartz is more devastating then the loss of Albert Haynesworth. (I really just wanted to make a Spaceballs reference). This Sunday versus the Jets might as well be the Super Bowl. Also, Chris Johnson looks like the Predalien.
  • Speaking of the Jets, it doesn't suck to be Mark Sanchez. Rex Ryan reminds me of a cross between Fog-Horn Leg Horn and North Carolina prank phone call legend, Charlie Whisnut.
  • Andre Johnson is a stud.
  • Jay Cutler is who we thought he was! Cutler quote of the week, 'look guys, it's not rocket science, but if so, I'd be killing that shit'.
  • After completing 24-26 passes, Kurt Warner would make an atheist want to believe. You see, Kurt Warner plays for Team Jesus.
  • Frank Gore ran all over the Seahawks. Who cares? Oh, fantasy owners.
  • I learned that a team could keep the ball for 46 minutes and still lose.
  • Tampa Bay just realized what the rest of the country already knew, Byron Leftwich is their quarterback.
  • Eli is poised. I know, weird right?
  • The Cowboys are definitely America's team. Spends a lot of money, has a lot of debt, and yet can't get united.
  • The Bronco's are the worst 2-0 team in football.
  • The Brown's have the perfect name. They leave shit stains all over the field.
  • The curtain may very well be closing on the Patriot's dynasty. Still doesn't suck to be Tom Brady.
  • Nobody slept better than Marvin Lewis on Sunday night.
  • If you try to catch a touchdown pass with your face mask, you will not have a job the next day.
  • The Ravens are pretty bad-ass.
  • The AFC West maybe the worst conference, if not, then the NFC West. Regardless, NFL in the West sucks.
  • Phillip Rivers is a penis.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Jack N' Nut's

On my last flight, I decided to mix things up a bit. For you little whippersnappers who may not know, there was a time when folks used to fill there RC and Coca-Cola with peanuts before drinking. I actually think this is more of a regional thing, maybe even unique to the Carolina's, I'm really not sure. Regardless, if peanuts work work well with Coke, then surely they would work even better with Jack Daniel's and Coke.













That's why I'm proud to announce my new favorite drink, the 'Jack n' nuts'. Jack Daniel's, Coca-Cola, and peanuts.










I apologize if I'm stealing somebody's idea, but honestly I'm afraid to Google 'Jack'n Nuts'

Also, there is a variation. Use Crown Royal instead of Jack Daniel's for a 'Crown my nuts'.

Enjoy...

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Come Fly With Me. Better Yet, Fuck Your Own Face.

It's been a busy week for sports, I mean, hell - the NFL is back! So much to write about, so little time. That said, I do want to rewind a bit and take a moment to weigh in on the Michael Jordan Hall Of Fame acceptance speech from last Friday.

I remember standing in the hallway of Leaksville Intermediate with the rest of my 5th grade class, and not being able to keep from looking down at my feet. How could I not? I had the first pair of 'Air' Jordan's, along with some bad ass checker boarded laces to top them off. At the time, most of my friends had to settle for 'Sky' Jordan's', but fortunately I was tall enough to fit into the 'Air's' which started at size 7.











Over the next few years I would own several versions of the classic shoe. At the same time, I would eat, sleep, and breathe basketball. My room would be filled with posters of Jordan, and my closet was full of Bulls and Flight gear.



I'd watch every game that the Bulls played, and if they were not playing, I was for watching my VHS copy of 'Come Fly With Me'. It was the ultimate hype video before heading to YMCA for an afternoon of basketball.



Let's put it this way. It was a great time to be a kid, but a hard time to be a parent. It was magical to grow up idolizing the world's greatest basketball player, but definitely less exciting for my mom and her pocketbook.

That was over 20 years ago...

Two decades, six championships, and three retirements later... Michael Jordan had been inducted into the Basketball Hall Of Fame. And, if you haven't heard, it was a memorable speech. You can get up to speed on youtube, or read this article on Yahoo Sports here.



I've watched the video several times and really gone back and forth on how I feel about Jordan and his speech. At the age of 34, I've learned to separate the personality of my idols and their talent. Everybody's human and everybody has their shit, but it's still a hard lesson to learn. That being said, Jordan's performance at the Hall Of Fame induction was not this sort of separation, but instead was the ultimate integration of personality and talent. It was an amazing glimpse into the mind of a man who is one of the greatest athletes and competitors in history.

Trust me, Michael would much rather take his shots at Isiah Thomas and Magic on the court, but that's not an option any more. His competitive nature still rages, and since he can no longer take it on the court, well, he decided to take advantage of this forum.

Was it harsh? Yeah. Tasteless? yeah, a little. But, to Michael Jordan, this was not an accomplishment worthy of celebrating. Instead, it was the ultimate defeat. The sport of basketball was attempting to put a period at the end of the sentence, and the champ was determined to go down swinging. He even suggested that he may come back at 50, and honestly it would not surprise me.

After much deliberation, I can't fault Jordan for his speech. In fact, I wouldn't expect anything less. This man changed the game, and all the great players of today are only following in the footsteps that he pioneered. With players like Kobe and LeBron, fans are now benefiting from the gift Jordan gave us. It's the whole new generation of player that grew up in the Jordan era. For Jordan, I'm sure he'd give anything to be on the court with those guys right now, if only to show them that there will never be another Michael Jordan.

Although, can you imagine if Michael Jordan had the physical attributes of LeBron James? There would be more than just bruised egos on the court.

So, I'll be looking out for Jordan in the coming years. Bring it back baby. Pretend aging is Patrick Ewing, and go baseline and dunk over that shit.

If anyone can, it's you...

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner...

On a more serious note, I'm saddened by the loss of Patrick Swayze.

Sure, I didn't know him, but this year has been a year of loss. I've had so many friends lose loved ones this year. I've also had some unexpected passing of old acquaintances, and the sports/entertainment world has suffered it's loses this year too.

While not all who passed this year suffered from cancer, many of them did, including Swayze who lost his battle to pancreatic cancer at only 57 years old.

These days, there's really not anyone that hasn't been closely affected by this disease. While advancements have been made in the detection and treatment, it's hasn't been nearly enough.

With all the technology at our fingertips, I can only hope that I see a cure for this in my lifetime.

Okay, whew -back to Swayze.

Everybody has their favorite Swayze movies. For me, I'm going to have to go with Dirty Dancing and Point Break. Two very different, yet great performances.

However, this is one you may have overlooked. Hilarious. Also, it features the late Natasha Richardson.

Monday, September 14, 2009

What I Learned From NFL Week One - Observations From An Average Fan

  • The Titans still look good. Some weak spots, but nothing that can't get better as the season goes along.
  • The Colts still scare and annoy me. I still feel total elation when Payton throws a pick. Oh yeah, I learned what '219 z fake crack post' is. Thanks Coach Dungy!
  • The Texans still suck. Matt Schaub has no peripheral vision.
  • Jacksonville needs a pass play or two.
  • Mark Sanchez may very well be the 6th 2nd coming of Joe Namath.
  • Big Ben will rip your heart out if you don't get pressure on him. Well, even then.
  • Larry Fitzgerald - Palomalu is out... you're next. Don't fight it.
  • The Seahawks destroyed the St. Louis Rams. Who cares?
  • Samurai Mike may lead the 49's to the top of the NFC West.
  • As much as I love Jay Cutler, and I do... he couldn't dodge the karmic boomerang. Also, Jay Cutler has elephant balls and will throw into quadruple coverage.
  • Josh McDaniels got the better side of the karmic boomerang.
  • The Bears are who we thought they were. Actually, not really. Urlacher will miss the year.
  • I'm sad that the season finale of Hard Knocks aired last week, cause I'd pay some damn good money see the camera rolling in the locker room post-game yesterday.
  • The Panthers need to get Jeff Garcia's phone number ASAP.
  • The old gunslinger plays better when he doesn't have to fire as many bullets.
  • Adrian Peterson probably has real horns. Like antlers.
  • I heard the words, 'Baltimore' and 'offensive powerhouse' in the same sentence. Wait, what?
  • The Giants are still awesome, but will fall for a fake field goal.
  • I don't play fantasy football, but if I did I'd definitely have Drew Brees on my team.
  • Tony Romo seems less stressed.
  • The Lions will be much better... in 2010.
While there are still two more games to play tonight, I'll go ahead and lay it out.

  • Tom Brady is still devilishly handsome.
  • Phillip Rivers is a penis.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

That's Why We Took The Damn Field

Best YouTube video ever made.


Thursday, September 10, 2009

I Wanna Kiss You!

Thanks Joe!

So, I've been a fan of this legendary clip for awhile now.



What I did not know, was that somebody wrote a song about it. Awesome!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

NFL Kickoff and the Return Of Thindale White

Thursday's night 2009 NFL kick off cannot get here fast enough. It's been seven long months since 55 year old Kurt Warner almost gave Arizona their first championship in over 750 years. Instead, the Pittsburgh Steelers walked away with trophy, a trophy that should have gone to my Tennessee Titans. However, the Titans choked away their number one seed and a meaningless 13-3 to the evil Baltimore Ravens and their uni-browed rookie quarterback sensation, Joe Flacco.

(Sigh) Enough of that, let's not rehash last year's letdowns. It's not easy being a Titans fan.

Let's look ahead to this year, shall we?













Tom Brady is back. Love him or hate him, he's a bad ass and the NFL is better with him there.













T.O. is in Buffalo. Looking forward to that implosion.













Jay Cutler is in Chicago. 'I went to Vanderbilt bitches, I'm smart as hell' - God, I love Cutler











Old gunslinger #4 Brett Favre has joined the Packer's rival, the Vikings. Not going to end well.














Tony Romo has broken up with Jessica Simpson.











Vince Young has called his shot into the Football Hall of Fame. Although he's a back up quarterback. I'm pulling for you, Vince.










Josh McDaniel's job in Denver is already on the line.











The Raiders are still the Raiders.











Michael Vick is back.














and, finally - LenDale White is 30lbs lighter and ready to stomp some more terrible towels.

So, hone up your Madden skills, buckle your chin straps, get your fantasy stat book ready, and let's play ball.