Note: I support the WGA strike and this blog in no way represents a lack of support for the writers... you folks need to get piznad.
All this week I have felt an emptiness, a void down deep. I've felt confused and lonely and for some reason I have developed what looks to be a mullet. I tried to distract myself by pretending to be Tom Brady, which really does help, and I've very much been looking forward to the wonderful weekend of divisional playoffs. Yet, something doesn't feel right... something is missing. What could it be... (tick, tock, tick, tock). Then it hits me, like a lamp cord tied to my nipple.
In the past few years I have gravitated back to the magic of television. Not since lions changed into a large ass robots and Courtney Cox had special mind powers (in the short lived but long remembered Misfits of Science) has there been such quality on television. I said quality, not quantity. Anyway, playoffs not only signal the end of football season - no, it's a beginning - a beginning of a new season of 24.... but not this year.
Now look, not that I give a damn - not after that shit sandwich I ate last year called season 6. If they had just left it at that... fine, but no, on October 25th, 2007 FOX released the trailer for the upcoming season 7. As the preview begins, I admit, I start to tingle just a bit. Then it happens... I'm not sure how it happens, but somehow it does - 'Soul Patch Jesus' has indeed returned, and snap - he's a bad guy.
What a wonderfully ballsy move by FOX. It makes perfect sense. You see to me, Tony never really died because seasons 5 and 6 only exist in a parallel universe or dimension. The same place where Coy and Vance are the real Duke boys, Highlander 2 fits between 1 and 3, and the Joel Schumacher Batman movies are the flagship of the franchise. I mean, some people think cucumbers taste better pickled. What? Huh? What? Huh?
Look, it all comes down to two words, Michelle Dessler. She came kung fu kicking her way into my heart in season 3 all the while managing to fend off a virus that eats your internal organs. Now you want me to accept that she got killed (off camera) trying to crank her 1998 Jeep Grand Cherokee. Hell no man... that's a pill I cannot swallow. What's next? You're going to try and tell me that there's a new Knight Rider where David Hasslehoff's offspring drives KITT, who is now a mustang and the voice of Will Arnett from Arrested Development. What? Huh?
Regardless, the return of Tony has given me something to be excited about... anything is possible now, right? I predict that before the end of the day a lady with four fingers and an eye patch, smelling oddly of vinegar returns claiming to be Nina. Much like the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail she will insist it 'twas but a flesh wound'.
Unfortunately though, only weeks after dropping the Tony nugget - 24 has been postponed, indefinitely.
So, here we are… it's Sunday night and the only thing I'm left with is a bag of pizza rolls, some sort of flu like symptoms, and Iron Eagle is just beginning to play on AMC. In addition, Terrell Owens is wearing Members Only jacket, crying, and saying something about being on a team.
The world may indeed be coming to an end…
