I have an overinflated opinion of myself. Not really in any sort of arrogant way, I’m pretty self-deprecating actually. (Read my previous post about self-confidence.) No, this is more so a feeling that I have more importance and affect on people’s lives than I really do. It's wishful thinking perhaps.
For those of you that keep up with my blog, you know that the last few posts have been a little more personal than usual. Several reasons play into that. One, I really want to blog more. Not just more frequently, but I want to write with more meaning, more substance. Some of the recent inspiration has come from great conversations with friends that I love dearly. Other inspiration has been found with more distant acquaintances daring themselves to open up in their own blogosphere.
For the most part, I’ve gotten some amazing responses to my last few posts. I’ve made some deeper connections with friends, and reconnected with old ones in familiar ways that make us remember our importance in each other’s lives. I’m so fortunate for those relationships. I don’t really believe in an afterlife, but if there is one, (spoiler alert) I hope we meet up like the castaways on Lost – that would be awesome.
I think another reason for the more personal posts is that I feel a little broken right now. Don’t be worried, this wouldn’t be the first time. Lately my mind has just been swirling with thoughts, feelings, worries, and fears that I can’t quite process. I’m feeling vulnerable, distant, and numb. Usually when this happens, my first instinct is to withdraw. Yes, pretty much like a turtle going into its shell. Well, this time is no exception. My head and limbs are trying to retract, and I’m trying to fight it, but it’s hard.
In a moment of feeling venerable, I felt that I had exposed too much about myself. In haste, I deleted my twitter account. Yes, I’m twit-less. I used to promote my blog there, but the reality is, that was too much for me. While some folks connected with me, I think some begin to feel differently. In other words, I think I freaked some folks out.
I’ve recently reconnected with a few people from my past. Mind you, these are people that I haven’t talked to in years. When I say years, I mean ten or more years to be specific. More like fifteen to twenty. I was recounting a memory to an old friend, however they didn’t remember this particular story. I was devastated. I didn’t tell them, but it immediately made my think of the age-old question – ‘if a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound?’ Am I only what people remember me as?
I don’t have a big family, just mom and I, really. To clarify, I'm talking about immediate blood family that is to say. Right now, my posterity is dependant upon you, my friends. I think a lot of folks would call me an extrovert, but in reality, I think I’m just and introvert trying to climb out of my box. . Although, my kindergarten did tell my mom that I 1) talked too much 2) hugged people too much. Okay, so maybe I’ve spent years suppressing my extroverted-ness. (I do look really creepy in this picture.)
My point is, I really just want to connect with folks. If I feel a connection to you, I want to let you know. I want to be a positive part of your life; a memorable part of your life. I’ll usually try to make you laugh. Laughing soothes my soul.
I think this post maybe a blog fail, honestly. Just wanted to say thank you to those who’ve read some of my latest post, and thank you for your comments and emails. It’s very much appreciated. I’d say probably every eight out of ten visitors, ‘I love ya’ll very much, and no I won’t stop yelling, cause that I’ll mean I lost the fight.’ – Kenny Powers.
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