'That makes me sad, Brad' - Well, your mom makes me sad.

I hear this a lot. It's the response I get when folks ask me if I'm still playing music and I say 'no'.


Those of you who have met me in the last few years may not know this, but I'm a recovering musician. I did the obligatory piano as a kid, then moved on a brief stint with the trumpet. (FYI - that trumpet was mercifully destroyed by a car that hit me in the 7th grade. Supposedly the trumpet kept my legs from breaking, nonetheless, there was a certain band teacher that was happy to be done with me.)

After that, I played bass and guitar before settling on the Dobro for about the next 20 years. I was never as good as I wanted to be, but I did play professionally for about 10 of those years. I'm also the first Dobro student to graduate from Belmont University. Most likely the whole world. Pretty self indulgent, yes?

I got to do lots of traveling, and I had the opportunity to play with lots of amazing musicians. I also spent 3 years working on a transcription novella for Dobro master Jerry Douglas, which was an amazing challenge and honor. It also made me never want to hear Dobro again. Like, ever.

Are you feeling sad yet? Well don't. I don't play anymore, and I'm the happiest and the most comfortable with myself that I've ever been. Now, coming to terms with the fact that the dreams I chased didn't make me happy was one of the hardest things I've ever had to except.  But, when I finally did, it brought a lot of peace.

I think there are several reasons that fed my passion to play. Some that were genuine, and some that maybe were not. It does take a healthy dose of valid desire to dedicate the hours that I've put in.  To give perspective, I rarely practiced less than 4 hours a day in the two decades that I played, and there were a lot of periods where I played 6-8 hours a day.

To be completely honest, part of my passion for playing stems from a basic need of feeling acceptance; a desire to be noticed. Ask any girl I went to middle and high school with - I looked like Rock-A-Doodle, but with acne and not those weird Rooster muscles. I needed to create a story for myself, and it worked. I started to find a niche.

I also connected the death of my dad to my career path. In the months before he passed, he repeatedly told me and my mom that he wasn't going to be around much longer, but that I was supposed to have a career in music. It's nice to romanticize that, but the reality is, he may not have known what the hell he was talking about. I do have a career in music though, as an artist manager. (insert Twilight Zone music).

There was much more than superficiality to my music, however. The Dobro possesses a soulfulness and vocal quality that truly connected with me.  I needed a voice - a way to express my emotions. While I didn't always have the technique, my expressiveness on the instrument was my greatest strength. When I played my best, it was often filled with memories and emotions that are mine alone, and ones that I hold to dearly.

Over the years that I played, I began to connect myself to the instrument so much that how I played, or thought that I played, affected my self-esteem. It infected me like a virus. If people didn't think I played well, then I figured they just wouldn't like me as much. Ego and insecurity became a factor, and I began to feel uncomfortable and inferior around other musicians.

If that wasn't enough, the reality was that I loved being a student of the instrument, and I loved to express my feelings through music. However, the life of a professional musician didn't quite fit my soul. There are major sacrifices. Sacrifices that worked against the grain of my heart, and no matter how hard I tried to resist, I couldn't.

As I have grown older, my perspectives have, and continue to change.  Now, at age 35 (holy shit), I've found other ways to express myself. In addition, I've grown comfortable in this skin that for years felt awkward.  I love music, but I also love many other things. Things that perhaps I've neglected or attached guilt to since I was a kid.

I"m enjoying this stage of my life, and I'm also loving music again. The way that I did before I started playing. If you know me well, then you know that everything reminds me of an episode of the show 'Wings'. This is no exception.

In the show, Helen Chapel, (who ran the lunch counter at the airport), dedicated her life to playing the cello.  She constantly auditioned, only to have her hopes crushed every time. At one point, she finally decided to give up the cello. The first morning after this decision, she comes into work so happy. She describes to the Hackett brothers how she got up that morning and took a walk on the beach, and for once she didn't feel guilty about not practicing. It's been about 18 years since that aired and I've never forgotten that moment. I've never forgotten it because I knew exactly what she was talking about.

Don't cry for me, Argentina. I'm doing just fine. Hell, I got 5 stars on the DJ Jazzy Jeff 'Rock The Bells' mix on DJ Hero. Expert level, bitches.